Time. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. Decades. Centuries.
We never really have enough time to do what we really want to do. And we devote too much time to that which we must do, rather than what we ought to do.
I wonder sometimes how it would be if I really devoted an honest amount of time to anything I pursued. Would I be a directing manager of some worthy non-profit, writing grants, managing a small staff, helping to save the world? Would I be a regular working actor, driving into DC for auditions, rehearsals, performances, film shoots? Would I be running a business making cute wire sculptures, doing the craft shows and entering competitions? Or maybe I would have published my book two years ago, have the second one just about out the door, and new ones just clamoring to be written?
The "What-If"s are a burden, sometimes. The ordinary, every-day things must be done. I have to cook dinner, and force my son to wash his face after eating. I must walk the dog, and pay the bills. Laundry doesn't do itself, and neither does the grocery shopping.
I imagine a different life. I sometimes fantasize about running off to Spain, where I have a busy life working, drinking wine, and socializing with fun, artsy people. I also dream about making a living as a writer, go on book tours occasionally, and pay for an unattractive housekeeper who will be a good aunt to my son, make sure the Husband doesn't get into too much trouble, and who will assist me as a partner in my household.
I long for a life in which I am wanted, but not needed so much. I have taken on the role of Nurturer-In-Chief like a long term acting job. I do it extraordinarily well. But it is a problem when I long for the times when those around me demand nothing but good conversation and my laughter.
I am getting bored of it. Time for a new role. And, since I cannot just quit, I must campaign for a new role. I must figure out what new role will be, how I will sell it, and what I am willing to negotiate.
And once again, I must figure out what I am NOT going to do.
