Now, it is Spring Break, and that means no break from the Boy. Not the end of the world, but I do value my 7.5 hours a week without him. Truth be told, I actually was looking forward to doing some fun stuff with him-- playgrounds, maybe a museum or two, the library, and playdates.
Today, the first day of Spring Break, I had to attend a meeting for the studio tour, and so he got to go, too. It was supposed to be done within an hour or so, and there is a great playground nearby. I packed a fun snack, and promised the Boy if he was good, we could go to the park after I was done.
And the meeting slayed me. Literally. Now, it was long and drawn out as usual (described as 'soul sucking' by one of my good friends), but, I realized that my association with the arts council is slowly but surely damaging my own reputation in the arts community.
I realized as I was finishing up that people with whom I have had very strong relationships--professionally and personally-- have been pulling back from me. And this wasn't just today. I had noticed the change, but I chalked it up to schedules, and life interfering. They were friendly enough today, but the tone of our conversation and their body language changed when council business came up.
When this occurred to me, I was floored. The arts council is actually hurting me... I already knew that I spend more time defending the board than promoting it. Every conversation I have about my work on that board, I feel like I do nothing but complain. The occasions that I actually enjoy my work for the council are quite rare now.
I am barely a professional artist in theatre. I am not a professional arts administrator. I have never held a job at a NPO. I have no educational credentials to claim for my work in the arts community. However, I know my worth to this community.
I work hard, and fulfill my obligations. I put time, effort, and money into everything with which I am associated. I speak eloquently about the role of the arts in our community, at many public and private events. I have written several grants which have earned quite a lot of funding, and I have administered the granting program for the arts council. I have helped shape policy, expand the role of the arts council, and forge many valuable relationships with business, art, and government contacts. Finally, I have served on the Executive Committee for the arts council for most of my time on the board.
And now, I find myself damaging some valuable friendships. I thought at first that perhaps I am no longer as useful to know as I once was. This isn't a bad thing, I guess. I am almost finished with my final term on the board. I am not part of the inner workings of the newly focused council, and am considered part of the old guard. But, I spent time thinking about it today. These people were friendly to me before I was Little Miss President. They liked me before I even joined the arts council. And they are still friendly to me now... until I bring up something council related.
I figured this all out, this sad little epiphany, and understandably felt rather upset. I persuaded the Boy that we should just go home, and play with his friends in the neighborhood. He liked that idea.
I didn't, because I realized that once again, the arts council had dragged me down, and interfered with my family life. My poor little boy had patiently sat through that long ass meeting, and I was too upset to take him to the freaking playground. I gave up over ten hours this weekend to work on promoting the arts council at a public event, dragging both the Boy and the Husband into it, and I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT ANYMORE!!!
So. Here I am. I wrote my resignation letter today. I will finish my remaining obligations, but as of June 13, I will be off the board. I have not emailed the letter yet. I want to let it sit a few days, and make sure I have said what I need to say. I am saddened to be leaving the arts council on this note-- this experience has been such a life changer for me. I have enjoyed so much of my service and gained so much valuable experience; and to be leaving as I am now--bitter, hurt, frustrated-- makes me wince a little.
So, back to my Plan 1? What am I NOT going to do? As of June 13, I am NOT going to be a board member on the arts council anymore.
I hope tomorrow is better.
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