Who Wants To Live Forever?

Today is my son's first day of school.  This post is NOT about that.

Well, it is kinda.  See, I walked him to school, and there were all these parents there, snapping pictures, wiping tears.  And I was thinking, "I cannot wait to get home.  I wonder what I can eat with the Boy's grilled cheese sandwich crusts."  I then thought, "Wow,I am a bad mommy.  I'm not posting my son's first day of school pics to Faceborg.  Of course, now I am an OLD mommy."

Yesterday was my birthday.  I am 37 now.  The thirties have been awesome, and kinda hip.  Hitting 35 was cool, and 36 was grown-up.  But 37 is close to 40, which is close to death!  Tee hee!

I am going to die.  Because people do die.  But it is getting harder, apparently.  My husband shared a news post, about this guy who figured out how to oxygenate blood, so when your heart stops, you can live longer without brain damage.  It depressed me.  We already live so fucking long.  TOO fucking long.  And why does a 86 year old person deserve a new kidney or heart?  Sorry, but really?  Why can we not listen to the signals our bodies give us?

Heart:  Huh.
Grandma:  What?!?
Heart:  I am really not working so well.  And...
Grandma:  WHAT?!?
Heart:  I know this is hard to take, but your arteries are kinda clogged, and your lungs are so inflamed from forty years of smoking that they aren't sending enough oxygen anyway.
Grandma:  I don't understand...
Heart:  And really, the extra fifty pounds you've been carrying since the 80s are kinda making it worse.
Grandma:  Okay, I can't hear what you are saying.  I keep losing my hearing aid, because I can't find them unless I wear those ugly glasses the doctor gave me.
Heart:  JUST DIE ALREADY!
Grandma:  You want me to go where?

I am not advocating the execution of the elderly.  Trust me.  I just lost my last grandparent this summer, and I was depressed for weeks.  (Hence the no new blog entries.)  I remember her telling fascinating stories, and braiding my hair when I was younger.  She was a nurse for decades, and raised four kids.  She created quilts, and she introduced me to naughty literature.  But she was in her nineties, and they decided to do shoulder surgery, even though she kept talking about how much she missed Grandfather and didn't understand why she wasn't with him yet, and she wouldn't eat and was generally miserable.  She didn't want to improve her quality of life...she wanted her long full life to end.

So, how do you make sure you won't live forever?  A Do Not Rescusitate Order? My husband's grandmother had DNR paperwork, advanced medical directives, the works... and THEY GAVE HER A FUCKING PACEMAKER ANYWAY.  I joke about getting DNR tattooed on my left breast, although I've been informed that this is not legally binding.

What does a person have to do to DIE a natural death?  You aren't allowed to die when your body is clearly giving up.  You aren't supposed to commit suicide.  You cannot get someone to assist you in dying.  And you cannot do a long term, subtle cyanide poisoning anymore (Waldorf Salad, anyone?), because there is even a KIT now, and then they cure you, and you have to start all over again.

So, we live long lives despite the terrible abuse we heap upon our bodies: eating McDonald's, smoking cigarettes, consuming vast quantities of high fructose corn syrup, breathing smog, watching over twenty hours  of television a week, and never exercising.

We deserve to be able to die, and we certainly deserve to die.  Maybe medical care should be saved for those to prove they really deserve it.  Smoke?  No healthcare for you!  Addicted to McDonald's?  Nothing for you.

Want to live forever?  Not gonna happen.  If you want to live longer, take care of your body, and teach your kids how to take care of their bodies.  Eat fresh foods!  Don't smoke!  Exercise!   Don't just assume you'll be saved by a fucking medical community that cannot figure out the difference between what you CAN do versus what you SHOULD do.

Is my son's first day of school important?  No fucking way.  Whether he becomes a life-long learner IS.  And I hope he learns that he ought to throw mommy from a window rather than sign the paperwork for her to get a heart transplant when she is 98.  If he learns that lesson, then I'll be happy.

Happy thoughts.  And  now for some Queen... Who Wants to Live Forever?  (sorry about the ad)

Stress

I am stressed.  I need to learn to let things go.  Seriously.  I am cranky, and unable to sleep, and don't enjoy my meals.  I enjoy my wine, but that could also be the company.  I am daydreaming constantly, and reading to escape.

Supposedly, writing a list of stress factors can help bring them to manageable proportions.  Here is my list of things that are stressing me out.  I hope that writing them down will set them loose into the internet, where they can spawn and create a worm that will infect the very lifeblood of Monsanto.

1. Sleep-- I am not sleeping well, and taking lots of pills to try to make sure I am sleeping.  I am not sure the pills are getting me good sleep, but they do make me sleep....if I've taken enough of them.
2. Medical-- I had an ER visit recently.  I had some chest pains-- probably not heart related.  I have a stress test soon, and my regular GP put me on anti-heartburn medication.  In addition, I need to get to the eye doctor (18 months since last visit).  The Husband probably needs some dental work done.  My son's belly is still distended, and it should have healed by now.  And we keep having minor medical expenses to the tune of $200-$500-- they add up.
3. Move-- I am moving in about 60 days.  Have not packed a single damn box.  Why?  Well, I didn't want to live with a bunch of boxes, thinking a normal looking household would be a better choice for living.  Yeah, it looks pretty, but it also stresses me out...all those empty boxes, just waiting to be filled.  "Fill me!"  On top of that, the house we are in is about to be on the market for rent... which means I have to have the house nice for that.
4. Money-- I have no right to be stressed about it, I guess.  There are people in this country who are un- and under-employed.  People are buried in underwater mortgages, credit card debt, student loans, and no savings.  We have no debt, are downsizing, and have a decent sum in savings.  But we used to have LOTS more in savings.  We have two cars which are 15 years old, and groceries are more expensive than ever.  A lot of my clothes are old (ie, don't fit, have little or big holes, etc) and then there is the medical stuff.  So, I am stressed about it.
5. IRS-- We just got a letter from the IRS, claiming that we owe like $8K in unpaid taxes and penalties.  We were sensible in 2010 and finally rolled all our various retirement accounts into a single account.  One of the rollovers was reported as taxable income to the IRS... so it looks like we got a huge sum of money.  And we didn't.  I understand it is all a matter of filling out the forms and such, but FUCK... You get a letter from the IRS demanding more than I have earned in any year since my son was born, and tell me that your heart isn't leaping out of your chest.
6. Book-- good god, I want to finish my book.  If I can edit 15 pages or so a week, I will finish by the time school ends.  But after that, I will get NO regular writing time until September.  Unless I can manage to begin writing at night again.  I just don't know how, especially with a move looming, and a summer camp planned in July.  I really want to finish-- I know it can be published, and will be good.  
7. Volunteer-- I am still active in the community, but it is hard work, and I am not enthusiastic about it right now.  I really should make this my last time... but then what am I doing for the community?  And what else do I have to show for myself in this time.  Everyone says motherhood is noble/ necessary/ etc.  But no one PAYS you for it, and potential employers look down their noses at it.  And I have to do something until the Boy is in school full time... unless my book sells.
8. App-- The phone app is fun to work on.  But it is work.  And it is unpaid work for now, and maybe forever, unless we can increase sales.  So, all that writing and entering is free.  And after the move, I will no longer be able to just walk two houses down to work with my partner.  I will have to drive across town.  
9. Work-- My theatre class is not stressing me exactly, but there is a lot of work to do that requires me to focus and be creative... and I can neither well until I can let stuff go. 
10. Politics-- The War on Women, the attack on the environment, the economy... I actually have to make myself STOP reading the news sometimes, or logging on to Faceborg.  I try to have a wide variety of friends- they range from libertarians to socialists, radical feminist lesbians to religious conservatives.  It used to be nice, because I would be exposed to a lot of different ideas and perspectives.  Food for thought, ya know?  Now... I just get scared.  The hate and anger and fear have reached terrifying levels.  Where are all the moderates?  Running scared, just like me.

So, there they are.  All my stress factors.  Not a terrible list, I guess.  I mean, I didn't actually HAVE  heart attack, did I?  I don't have to get a transvaginal probe, and the IRS issue will be resolved without having to write a check for $8K.

But I am still stressed.

Conspiracy Theories

Wow.  It feels like a conspiracy.  Life, the universe, and everything is against me working on my book.  It is almost eerie.

(I like conspiracy theories.  I visited the alien museum in Roswell, New Mexico and became a member for a year.  I loved it.  It was hilarious.  Really.  I bought a cute t-shirt for their espresso bar.  On the other hand, I do believe Kennedy was probably just shot by Oswald, and Ruby was just irritated and had a gun, being a Texan.)

So, this is why I think there is a conspiracy working against my brain being in a work mode.

1) VIRUS FACTOR:  My son caught a cold...which he then passed to me...which eventually got my husband sick as well.  There is also a stomach bug flying around the neighborhood that has hit no fewer than three households with children my son's age.  I have actually done some cleaning--Clorox wipes are a mother's friend.  Really.  The urge to clean increases exponentially in presence of snot, diarrhea and vomit.

2) BEST FRIEND FACTOR:  My Best Mommy Friend and I got into a political disagreement.  (Not to be confused with Best Friend Actress--she and I have one complete brain between us, in that we might as well share it, since we have never disagreed on a single idea or issue or opinion.)  Anyway.  I was being my typical self and hyperbolizing, and got BMF going.  She and I don't see eye-to-eye on a number of political issues, which is fine, but I shoulda known better.  It is all good now, but it left me with an unhappy feeling, obviously.  Next, I actually had the opportunity to socialize this weekend... and GASP... I took it.  I met the Husband and some of his co-workers for Happy Hour in DC, and then we had dinner with Male Best Friend.  The next night, I met up with my two Arts Council Best Friends... or Best Friends Formerly of the Arts Council? We only groaned about the arts council for five minutes.  We laughed most of the rest of the time.

3) WEATHER FACTOR:  Okay, really?  The weather guys must fear the legions of school-age children burning them in effigy.  They keep teasing us with snow.  I want snow.  Everyone keeps saying that I am tempting the gods, but at this point, I would sell my gods to the highest bidder if it would get us even 4 inches that would stick.  Instead it has been bloody cold or bloody warm or bloody wet.  Huh, kinda sounds like winter, when I think about it.

4) CREDIT CARD FACTOR:  Our credit card got hacked this Friday.  We found this out while we where supposed to be in DC having a wild and wonderful time.  Thanks a lot, thieves.  Not only did you fucking spoil my night out, you also stole my credit card and forced a lot of phone calls, account checks, and tummy rumbles.  May Astomach virus find you and cause spew from both ends.

5) HUMAN RIGHTS FACTOR:  Oh, hell, I talked about this here.  Let me congratulate a bunch of white guys in Richmond, Virginia for choosing to lay off the minority populations for a bit and concentrating on suppressing the majority.  Yeah, morons-- women make up 51% of the population.  We know where you live.  We live with you, we take care of your households.  We are legion.  Or something.  Anyway, you don't want us to have birth control?  Fine.  You guys are officially cut off.

6) BAD SEED FACTOR:  Okay, the Boy isn't the Bad Seed.  But he has been so bad at his Friday after-school program that he probably won't be going anymore.  He got in serious trouble and that took quite a lot of attention.

7) APP FACTOR:  Well, this is kinda cool.  My neighbor and I have designed, developed, and launched a phone app.  It is cool, but it takes time to do the content.

8) STUDIO TOUR FACTOR:  I know, I know.  I volunteered.  But it is getting rolling now.  And my work is increasing.

9) SLEEP FACTOR:  I lasted with the up-at-5AM for like three days.  The Boy was getting up even earlier, and then I was having my usual trouble sleeping some nights.  And then there was the whole getting sick thing.

So, whine whine whine.  I know.  Poor me.  But seriously-- these things have majorly intruded.  I want to write.  I would love to write.  I am still writing, but only during the normal times, when the Boy is not here, and when I don't have a meeting, or am too upset about life, the universe, and everything.

Things are going well, however.  I finished the storyboard, and a list of tasks for each chapter.  I am making progress.  I am doing good work.  I guess I just feel like I am doing good work more when I have time to think about it.  I love it when ideas are simmering all day, or when I dash out the shower to grab my notebook or phone to make a quick note.  Now, it is taking me time to get there, and I am thankful that I have the edits to do, versus having to create.

I sometimes wish I could be alone for even a week, and just work on it, without thinking about my family, my outside projects, illness or anything else.  Just me and the computer, with a timer set to remind me to take a break to eat.

Fear

I don't know that I have experienced a low grade fear before.  Sure, I have felt a swift burst of terror when the car in front of me suddenly brakes, and I jam on mine, hoping that my car will stop in time.  And I remember dreading the moment my dad found out about... well, I don't know if he ever found out.  I feel anguish when my son wakes up coughing and screaming because he cannot breathe.  That happened just last week.

I am going to throw politics aside for a moment.  Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, please feel the low grade rumble in my belly, the chills running down my spine when I can no longer distract myself.

Virginia just passed a law requiring all women who want abortions to undergo an ultrasound.  Initially, I was merely irritated-- it is medically unnecessary and expensive (especially since I suspect most insurance will not cover it).  It seemed like an annoyance, but oh well.  But then I read the details.  This is not the cold goop on the belly, rubbed in by the ultrasound wand.  The law requires a transvaginal ultrasound.  If you won't look at the picture, then know that a tube is inserted into the vagina and moved around to produce a lot of images.

I had one, once.  I remember discomfort, and thinking that if felt like a good size dildo was penetrating me.  I had mine for diagnostic purposes.  My doctor recommended it to me, my insurance approved of the procedure, and I participated in it of my own free will.

Now, women who have chosen to undergo an abortion for any reason will be forced to be vaginally penetrated by this unnecessary procedure... and if they choose NOT to look, they have to sign a waiver.  And then they still cannot get the abortion until after a waiting period.

I was outraged, and said so in probably over-emotional and slightly incoherent emails to my state representatives down in Richmond.  Still, angry and all, it didn't directly effect me, because I don't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy, thanks to my trusty Mirena.

But then the House went one further...  They passed a Personhood Law.  Once sperm meets an egg, that cell is granted full rights as a person.  House Bill 1 makes it criminal to harm that 'person'.

Let me give you a rundown on how this makes me a criminal.  My IUD prevents implantation.  The practical explanation basically is that I don't build up the uterine lining a fertilized egg needs to grow (and I don't get periods!  TMI?  Sorry).  There is also a lot of cervical mucus, which sperm does not like.  No problem, right?  Well, see, it does NOT prevent me from ovulating.  So, in theory, one of my eggs, traveling through an environment utterly hostile to implantation, could potentially meet a sperm.

Do I think this is a form of abortion?  No.  Do I see this as a healthy alternative to taking BCP?  Yes.

Well, the Commonwealth of Virginia says otherwise.  "All stages of development" is pretty broad.

So, yeah, I am suddenly a little scared.  I took down a Facebook rant about it-- more because I realized I am too angry to have a coherent discussion about it right now.  I wanted to write another angry letter to my reps... and then wondered if they will be keeping a list of women who admit to using IUDs like mine.   So I kept silent.

And all of a sudden, I was terrified that I thought I ought to keep silent.  Low grade fear.  If this gets signed into law, will they simply prevent doctors from prescribing new ones?   Can a woman go over the border into Maryland, Washington DC, or West Virginia to get one?  Or will she be charged upon crossing back to Virginia?  Will they go after women who already have one?  My Mirena is a 5 year implant, and I just got my new one a few months ago!

Maybe you think I am being melodramatic.  It could be.  I am an actress, after all.  But the fear I feel is real.  I joked yesterday about moving to West Virginia.  This is like The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.  I have never felt like this, as an American citizen.  I felt sorry for American Muslims after 9/11, that they had to bear the brunt of so much unfounded and  misdirected hostility.  I have sympathized with gays for years, because their supposed 'sins' are certainly no worse than the average person's.  Likewise, I have been horrified by the news reports of human rights violations so prevalent in many parts of the world.  But I don't think I ever really got it.  Nothing brought it home.  This did.

In anger, I posted on FB,  "Virginia, get out of my vagina!"

Now, I think, "head down and shut up."