Conspiracy Theories

Wow.  It feels like a conspiracy.  Life, the universe, and everything is against me working on my book.  It is almost eerie.

(I like conspiracy theories.  I visited the alien museum in Roswell, New Mexico and became a member for a year.  I loved it.  It was hilarious.  Really.  I bought a cute t-shirt for their espresso bar.  On the other hand, I do believe Kennedy was probably just shot by Oswald, and Ruby was just irritated and had a gun, being a Texan.)

So, this is why I think there is a conspiracy working against my brain being in a work mode.

1) VIRUS FACTOR:  My son caught a cold...which he then passed to me...which eventually got my husband sick as well.  There is also a stomach bug flying around the neighborhood that has hit no fewer than three households with children my son's age.  I have actually done some cleaning--Clorox wipes are a mother's friend.  Really.  The urge to clean increases exponentially in presence of snot, diarrhea and vomit.

2) BEST FRIEND FACTOR:  My Best Mommy Friend and I got into a political disagreement.  (Not to be confused with Best Friend Actress--she and I have one complete brain between us, in that we might as well share it, since we have never disagreed on a single idea or issue or opinion.)  Anyway.  I was being my typical self and hyperbolizing, and got BMF going.  She and I don't see eye-to-eye on a number of political issues, which is fine, but I shoulda known better.  It is all good now, but it left me with an unhappy feeling, obviously.  Next, I actually had the opportunity to socialize this weekend... and GASP... I took it.  I met the Husband and some of his co-workers for Happy Hour in DC, and then we had dinner with Male Best Friend.  The next night, I met up with my two Arts Council Best Friends... or Best Friends Formerly of the Arts Council? We only groaned about the arts council for five minutes.  We laughed most of the rest of the time.

3) WEATHER FACTOR:  Okay, really?  The weather guys must fear the legions of school-age children burning them in effigy.  They keep teasing us with snow.  I want snow.  Everyone keeps saying that I am tempting the gods, but at this point, I would sell my gods to the highest bidder if it would get us even 4 inches that would stick.  Instead it has been bloody cold or bloody warm or bloody wet.  Huh, kinda sounds like winter, when I think about it.

4) CREDIT CARD FACTOR:  Our credit card got hacked this Friday.  We found this out while we where supposed to be in DC having a wild and wonderful time.  Thanks a lot, thieves.  Not only did you fucking spoil my night out, you also stole my credit card and forced a lot of phone calls, account checks, and tummy rumbles.  May Astomach virus find you and cause spew from both ends.

5) HUMAN RIGHTS FACTOR:  Oh, hell, I talked about this here.  Let me congratulate a bunch of white guys in Richmond, Virginia for choosing to lay off the minority populations for a bit and concentrating on suppressing the majority.  Yeah, morons-- women make up 51% of the population.  We know where you live.  We live with you, we take care of your households.  We are legion.  Or something.  Anyway, you don't want us to have birth control?  Fine.  You guys are officially cut off.

6) BAD SEED FACTOR:  Okay, the Boy isn't the Bad Seed.  But he has been so bad at his Friday after-school program that he probably won't be going anymore.  He got in serious trouble and that took quite a lot of attention.

7) APP FACTOR:  Well, this is kinda cool.  My neighbor and I have designed, developed, and launched a phone app.  It is cool, but it takes time to do the content.

8) STUDIO TOUR FACTOR:  I know, I know.  I volunteered.  But it is getting rolling now.  And my work is increasing.

9) SLEEP FACTOR:  I lasted with the up-at-5AM for like three days.  The Boy was getting up even earlier, and then I was having my usual trouble sleeping some nights.  And then there was the whole getting sick thing.

So, whine whine whine.  I know.  Poor me.  But seriously-- these things have majorly intruded.  I want to write.  I would love to write.  I am still writing, but only during the normal times, when the Boy is not here, and when I don't have a meeting, or am too upset about life, the universe, and everything.

Things are going well, however.  I finished the storyboard, and a list of tasks for each chapter.  I am making progress.  I am doing good work.  I guess I just feel like I am doing good work more when I have time to think about it.  I love it when ideas are simmering all day, or when I dash out the shower to grab my notebook or phone to make a quick note.  Now, it is taking me time to get there, and I am thankful that I have the edits to do, versus having to create.

I sometimes wish I could be alone for even a week, and just work on it, without thinking about my family, my outside projects, illness or anything else.  Just me and the computer, with a timer set to remind me to take a break to eat.

2011: A Year in Review

..." I see this as a place to journal, a place to jump up and down, a place to vomit, a place to celebrate, a place to collaborate, and maybe, a place to make my decisions final."

Here I am, almost a year later.  The quote above is from my very first blog post.  I would say, based on that quote, that I was very successful...except that the blog was supposed to be about my three goals for 2011...

Plan for 2011

1. Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on.

2. Walk three times a week.

3. Schedule two recharge breaks a month.

Anyway.  Plan 1... I figured out a lot of things... Meaning, I quit a number of things.  Arts council...  gone!  Acting... retired, mostly.  Art model... not pursuing it.  Teaching... winding down.  Volunteer... still going, but will be finished in June.  Writing?

That is what I decided I AM going to do.  Write.  I love it, and I am good at it.  I spent the last of my mad money to attend a hardcore writing workshop (4 days, all day).  I wrote and submitted a play for a playwrighting competition.  I have worked hard for most of the year, and have revised "The General's Heir" into a much tighter and stronger novel.  I not only finished it (mostly), but have three new readers in the process now of giving me feedback.  There is small stuff to fix, but they are easy fixes.  Additionally, I wrote my query letter, and sent it out to six literary agents.  Two asked to see my work, and ultimately passed, two sent form rejections, one sent a personally worded rejection, and I am waiting to hear back from the sixth.  Finally, I have begun to work with David Hazard, an amazing writing coach, who believes I have talent, and is pushing me in directions I need to go.

Otherwise?  Still married and mothering.

Plan 2... well, I went back and forth on the walking.  I pushed myself to walk the dog far more frequently than I used to... but does that count as good walking?  On one hand, I think no.  But, on the other hand, I have been walking longer walks with her than we used to, and I read somewhere that even an extra five minutes a day adds up over the course of the year.  So, I am going to give that one a VERY qualified success.

Plan 3... Well.  Hmm.  Not so much.

Okay, so thank you, 2011.  Next time... my Plan for 2012.

uh... heh heh

Since no one reads this anyway, I guess I can feel free now to just go with the flow. I blame my lack of productivity on the Boy, the Dog, the Air Conditioning, and... and hurricanes.

The book is getting there. Really. School is out, the studio tour is done, and I finished my last mutherphucking board meeting last night. I do have a summer class to continue prepping for, and I am directing two shows for that one act festival. Oh, and the script I submitted is being produced. Creativity is flowing, along with the wine.

I entered an art show. I am supposed to make art out of some odds and ends from a hardware store. So far, I have constructed a female figure out of copper wire, and have built her a skirt out of window screen material. I have a metal corset top planned, and cool accessories out of nuts. But I am not having fun. Nope. Not even

a little. I always hated costume design, and sewing, and constructing stuff. And how I loathe having to be creative, and finding that I have the mental capacity for creativity.

This may be a wee bit of sarcasm, but I am not certain.

Let summer come. Nothing that a glass of sangria won't fix. And if not a glass, then a pitcher... You see, I am happy.

Shocking, I know. All I do is bitch and moan about not having time to write, or time to care for my Boy, or freedom from shitty meetings with people I loathe.

But... Plan 1. I did it. I have decided what I want to do. I have decided what I care about. And, I decided what I didn't want to do.

Now, I have moved on. I can have a glass of wine with my friends, or write, or flex my creative muscles in creating my incredibly bad art. Or, maybe, I can work on my art. Because I can now. I have the emotional energy for it. For the first time in quite a while, I might be able to practice my art, rather than just 'support' it.

Never fear. I am not descending into narcissism. I have decided that I do care about the studio tour, and will serve on that committee. And yeah, I will spending time with my friends and my family, but I will not be 'Networking' now. Rather, I will be 'Building Relationships'.

I have this sneaking feeling that some of my friends have enjoyed my company, and didn't care what I was doing on the arts council.

Here's to the more relaxed and happy me. Yeah, this was a rambling post that didn't really address a theme. Hence the dumb title.

Sangria, anyone?

Progress

First thing, dear Readers. Many of you have complained about the comment verification thing. I will attempt to dislodge it. I did add an easy feature, kinda like 'liking' on Faceborg.

Well. I did it. I sent my resignation letter. Even that made me anxious. I cannot wait 'til June 13. I believe I made a good decision, but I cannot help but worry about it. What can I say? I am a worrier.

The title of this post is 'Progress'. I believe I am making progress toward Plan 1: "Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on."

-I have put my acting on hold for now. I can come back to it someday, but now is my time.

-I have set an end date for my arts volunteering. I may continue to serve, but not on the board.

And, on the positive side of my plan, I have settled into a nice writing place. I have been hard at work editing, simmering ideas, and strengthening my work. I have written a short play, a few short stories, and keep on working on the novel. Additionally, I have attended a writing workshop, and am part of a newly formed writing group. We just had our first meeting on Friday, and I got some good feedback.

I will admit, I am a little worried about this summer. The Boy is done with school at the end of May, and that means my 7.5 hours writing a week will be gone. I am scheduled to teach 5 weeks this summer, and during that time, I will make little or no progress on my novel. Before the end of June, I need to re-write a short play, and create a new melodrama... from scratch. Writing it will be... but not what I want to be doing. I am torn, frankly. I want to teach this summer-- it is my best earning period-- but I also kinda find myself hoping that maybe one class won't make.

Which brings me back to the last outside activity that steals my time and mental energies. Teaching. I love the teaching-- it keeps me in the theatre world, and challenges me. But, one of the pearls of wisdom I gathered from my writing workshop was this: Make writing a priority or don't.

Should I jettison EVERYTHING to give this my hardest effort? It would not be a bad thing to get this finally off my plate, and see if it is worth my time. Hell, if I could sell it in the next year, it would certainly come at a good time. My husband and I just agreed to rent our house for one more year, and that would get the Boy through his last year of preschool. If the book sold well enough, it could help us afford to buy what we are holding out for: a modest home on 10+ acres. (10, so the Husband can hunt, and I can garden.) It would be nice to be able to buy a new car (or two) since our cars are both approaching fifteen years...

I will have to think on it. In the meantime, I need to work on the 'move on' part of shedding the arts council. I woke up at 2AM this morning, and didn't go back to sleep until after 5AM.

Move on.

What I Am Not

Today was a hard day.

Now, it is Spring Break, and that means no break from the Boy. Not the end of the world, but I do value my 7.5 hours a week without him. Truth be told, I actually was looking forward to doing some fun stuff with him-- playgrounds, maybe a museum or two, the library, and playdates.

Today, the first day of Spring Break, I had to attend a meeting for the studio tour, and so he got to go, too. It was supposed to be done within an hour or so, and there is a great playground nearby. I packed a fun snack, and promised the Boy if he was good, we could go to the park after I was done.

And the meeting slayed me. Literally. Now, it was long and drawn out as usual (described as 'soul sucking' by one of my good friends), but, I realized that my association with the arts council is slowly but surely damaging my own reputation in the arts community.

I realized as I was finishing up that people with whom I have had very strong relationships--professionally and personally-- have been pulling back from me. And this wasn't just today. I had noticed the change, but I chalked it up to schedules, and life interfering. They were friendly enough today, but the tone of our conversation and their body language changed when council business came up.

When this occurred to me, I was floored. The arts council is actually hurting me... I already knew that I spend more time defending the board than promoting it. Every conversation I have about my work on that board, I feel like I do nothing but complain. The occasions that I actually enjoy my work for the council are quite rare now.

I am barely a professional artist in theatre. I am not a professional arts administrator. I have never held a job at a NPO. I have no educational credentials to claim for my work in the arts community. However, I know my worth to this community.

I work hard, and fulfill my obligations. I put time, effort, and money into everything with which I am associated. I speak eloquently about the role of the arts in our community, at many public and private events. I have written several grants which have earned quite a lot of funding, and I have administered the granting program for the arts council. I have helped shape policy, expand the role of the arts council, and forge many valuable relationships with business, art, and government contacts. Finally, I have served on the Executive Committee for the arts council for most of my time on the board.

And now, I find myself damaging some valuable friendships. I thought at first that perhaps I am no longer as useful to know as I once was. This isn't a bad thing, I guess. I am almost finished with my final term on the board. I am not part of the inner workings of the newly focused council, and am considered part of the old guard. But, I spent time thinking about it today. These people were friendly to me before I was Little Miss President. They liked me before I even joined the arts council. And they are still friendly to me now... until I bring up something council related.

I figured this all out, this sad little epiphany, and understandably felt rather upset. I persuaded the Boy that we should just go home, and play with his friends in the neighborhood. He liked that idea.

I didn't, because I realized that once again, the arts council had dragged me down, and interfered with my family life. My poor little boy had patiently sat through that long ass meeting, and I was too upset to take him to the freaking playground. I gave up over ten hours this weekend to work on promoting the arts council at a public event, dragging both the Boy and the Husband into it, and I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT ANYMORE!!!

So. Here I am. I wrote my resignation letter today. I will finish my remaining obligations, but as of June 13, I will be off the board. I have not emailed the letter yet. I want to let it sit a few days, and make sure I have said what I need to say. I am saddened to be leaving the arts council on this note-- this experience has been such a life changer for me. I have enjoyed so much of my service and gained so much valuable experience; and to be leaving as I am now--bitter, hurt, frustrated-- makes me wince a little.

So, back to my Plan 1? What am I NOT going to do? As of June 13, I am NOT going to be a board member on the arts council anymore.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Boards and Zombies

So, I am an arts volunteer. I also serve on a board. I do a lot of work. I attend lots of meetings. I write and review grants for arts organizations. I read and answer (and ignore) lots of emails regarding the arts. Hell, I have even lobbied for the arts. I feel good for volunteering in my community, and for putting my skills and knowledge to good use. After all, we have no souls without the arts.

See, that explains a lot about me. I believe that without the arts, we are just mindless zombies. And, for those of you who think the arts are just opera and indecipherable paintings... think about your day.

Listen to the radio? The music you listen to is art. Oh, you only listen to the news? Well, who the &#$@ do you think creates the background music, or designs the ads that PAY for the news? Artists. Who reads the news? People whose voice IS their art.

Oh, so you don't listen to the radio? Watch television or films? Art! Read magazines? Books? Oh, don't waste time with that stuff? Well, do you think the guys who designed your computer were only thinking function? They were also thinking about making something that you might actually want to look at when it was not on.

Anyway... I could go on and on... and I think kinda just did.

This rant is to remind myself why I keep working on it. I am an artist. I support artists. I have to remind myself that what I am doing is worthy of my efforts. And I have to remind myself that the show must go on.

I begin to wonder, however... perhaps the show will go on without me.

I have been serving for almost six years on this arts council. I am tired. There has been so much change. There has been unpleasantness. It hasn't always been fun. My term on the board ends in October... and I want to finish it. The end is in sight.

But, will I crawl back under my log at that point? I didn't grow up with volunteerism. As I am a lapsed Catholic, the guilt to give to others, to be selfless, is strong. This is my service.

However, this is the year of deciding what I am NOT gonna do, remember? Do I finish my term, and call it even? Do I continue volunteering in the arts community, or allow myself to get shangai'ed into another board? This weighs on me.

I have decisions to make. If I am only doing this for duty, then I have become a zombie in spite of myself. And, just now, as I write this and postpone doing some arts volunteer related work, I kinda feel like this. Both the zombie... and the poor bloke running from the zombie.

So, this zombie sadly signs off, to go eat some brains... the brains being my own. Sigh.

(wah wah wah, poor little whiney-butt)