Be Careful What You Wish For

So, with a month from the end of this year, I have been thinking about my 2012 Goals. Take a look at them here.   Here's where we stand...

1. Book Deal: not yet (but read on)
2. New car: very likely (read on, I told you...)
3. Skyfall: OH. YES. (wiping drool off chin)
4. Exercise: not every day, but most days, and I've lost weight this year.
5. Spine: Stronger, maybe mild scoliosis (figuratively, new readers)
6. Dates: we've been pretty good, actually, in the latter half of this year.  Nights out are happening!
7. No apologies:  kinda like the spine--that is a work in progress.  Apologizing is part of me, but I am starting to accept who I am, and forcing others to when I am right.
8. Writing: well, that one has been a weird one.  I was writing every day for 2+ hours in the spring.  Got shot to shit during the summer (move, summer class, grandmother's funeral).  Fall started okay, but the Boy is in afternoon kindergarten, which is making it more challenging to actually get my writing time in.  Plus, the current home's desk set up is less than inviting.  I may start doing more on the laptop (shudder).

So, that is where I am.  Pretty good.  Now... about that book deal.  I finished Book 1: "The General's Heir", and passed it along to peer readers.  Got some great feedback... and decided that I had to rewrite the whole thing.  I needed to focus on my heroine.  So, rewrote the book into first person.  She's telling her story.  I expanded scenes, trimmed others, and finally told the story of what happened in Tejhaus before and after the rebellion, and how she came to decide to go to Stone Country.  The book is so much stronger.

I finished the rewrites at the end of August, and then started editing.  I finished the week of Thanksgiving, and promptly emailed David Hazard for a recommendation for a professional editor: I am funny with hyphens and ellipses...as my regular readers (ha!) know.  We set up a meeting to discuss finally working together (since I have money coming from my grandmother).

And then Wednesday struck.  I had a car accident.  My lovely little Honda Civic has been a loyal member of my family, but she's on life support, and her age ain't making it look good.  A 1997 coupe with 170K miles... if they don't declare it totaled, it will be a miracle.  I love that car.  It was the first car I picked out and bought.  She was overpriced, and used.  But I paid her off slowly (with the Husband paying as well after we got married), and she's been faithful and dependable.

So, yesterday, instead of focusing on the fact that my body had had a shock, and I needed to just read, I spent most of the day beating myself up for the accident.  Sure, I wanted a new car, but not til the money was there.  She was supposed to outlast the Saturn.  I went from quiet mourning to anger and back.

And then, late last night, I remembered my 2012 Goals.  I really had met some of them.  Maybe...just maybe, the stars are aligned, and I will meet the first goal.  On Monday, I plunge into revising my query letter and creating my spreadsheet for literary agents to hit.  When the editing is done, I am unstoppable.

I will it to be so.

Stress

I am stressed.  I need to learn to let things go.  Seriously.  I am cranky, and unable to sleep, and don't enjoy my meals.  I enjoy my wine, but that could also be the company.  I am daydreaming constantly, and reading to escape.

Supposedly, writing a list of stress factors can help bring them to manageable proportions.  Here is my list of things that are stressing me out.  I hope that writing them down will set them loose into the internet, where they can spawn and create a worm that will infect the very lifeblood of Monsanto.

1. Sleep-- I am not sleeping well, and taking lots of pills to try to make sure I am sleeping.  I am not sure the pills are getting me good sleep, but they do make me sleep....if I've taken enough of them.
2. Medical-- I had an ER visit recently.  I had some chest pains-- probably not heart related.  I have a stress test soon, and my regular GP put me on anti-heartburn medication.  In addition, I need to get to the eye doctor (18 months since last visit).  The Husband probably needs some dental work done.  My son's belly is still distended, and it should have healed by now.  And we keep having minor medical expenses to the tune of $200-$500-- they add up.
3. Move-- I am moving in about 60 days.  Have not packed a single damn box.  Why?  Well, I didn't want to live with a bunch of boxes, thinking a normal looking household would be a better choice for living.  Yeah, it looks pretty, but it also stresses me out...all those empty boxes, just waiting to be filled.  "Fill me!"  On top of that, the house we are in is about to be on the market for rent... which means I have to have the house nice for that.
4. Money-- I have no right to be stressed about it, I guess.  There are people in this country who are un- and under-employed.  People are buried in underwater mortgages, credit card debt, student loans, and no savings.  We have no debt, are downsizing, and have a decent sum in savings.  But we used to have LOTS more in savings.  We have two cars which are 15 years old, and groceries are more expensive than ever.  A lot of my clothes are old (ie, don't fit, have little or big holes, etc) and then there is the medical stuff.  So, I am stressed about it.
5. IRS-- We just got a letter from the IRS, claiming that we owe like $8K in unpaid taxes and penalties.  We were sensible in 2010 and finally rolled all our various retirement accounts into a single account.  One of the rollovers was reported as taxable income to the IRS... so it looks like we got a huge sum of money.  And we didn't.  I understand it is all a matter of filling out the forms and such, but FUCK... You get a letter from the IRS demanding more than I have earned in any year since my son was born, and tell me that your heart isn't leaping out of your chest.
6. Book-- good god, I want to finish my book.  If I can edit 15 pages or so a week, I will finish by the time school ends.  But after that, I will get NO regular writing time until September.  Unless I can manage to begin writing at night again.  I just don't know how, especially with a move looming, and a summer camp planned in July.  I really want to finish-- I know it can be published, and will be good.  
7. Volunteer-- I am still active in the community, but it is hard work, and I am not enthusiastic about it right now.  I really should make this my last time... but then what am I doing for the community?  And what else do I have to show for myself in this time.  Everyone says motherhood is noble/ necessary/ etc.  But no one PAYS you for it, and potential employers look down their noses at it.  And I have to do something until the Boy is in school full time... unless my book sells.
8. App-- The phone app is fun to work on.  But it is work.  And it is unpaid work for now, and maybe forever, unless we can increase sales.  So, all that writing and entering is free.  And after the move, I will no longer be able to just walk two houses down to work with my partner.  I will have to drive across town.  
9. Work-- My theatre class is not stressing me exactly, but there is a lot of work to do that requires me to focus and be creative... and I can neither well until I can let stuff go. 
10. Politics-- The War on Women, the attack on the environment, the economy... I actually have to make myself STOP reading the news sometimes, or logging on to Faceborg.  I try to have a wide variety of friends- they range from libertarians to socialists, radical feminist lesbians to religious conservatives.  It used to be nice, because I would be exposed to a lot of different ideas and perspectives.  Food for thought, ya know?  Now... I just get scared.  The hate and anger and fear have reached terrifying levels.  Where are all the moderates?  Running scared, just like me.

So, there they are.  All my stress factors.  Not a terrible list, I guess.  I mean, I didn't actually HAVE  heart attack, did I?  I don't have to get a transvaginal probe, and the IRS issue will be resolved without having to write a check for $8K.

But I am still stressed.

The beginning of a beautiful relationship

     Let's talk, 2012.  See, I made an arrangement with 2011.  I told 2011 what I wanted, and I thought 2011 and I would have a nice time together.  I didn't realize that my expectations, while communicated clearly, were not clear expectations.  It was a "Hey, let's have a nice date" versus "Hey, I want a fancy dinner with good wine, and then a movie with Daniel Craig or Hugh Jackman."
      I realize that this is a failure on my part.  I didn't specify what it was that I actually wanted.  This should not be a surprise to me... what with the whole "Not Doing It" being the name of the blog.  2011 could not read my mind.  How could 2011 know what I wanted if I wasn't even able to communicate that to myself?  And yet... did I not mock 2011 on Facebook? I did, I am sorry to say.  No one deserves that, especially when it is my fault.
     So, 2012, I am going to try to communicate my clear expectations.  I want you to know what will make me happy.  Some of the items on my list may strike you as unrealistic, or silly, but if you know, at least you might have a better idea of the kind of thing that might make me happy.

What I Want Out Of 2012

1. A book deal.  It doesn't have to be Stephanie Meyers size... but I would love at least to be able to buy a new car, which leads me to...
2. A new car.  Both of the cars in my household are almost three times as old as my son.  And he's about to start kindergarten.
3. To see the new James Bond film in the movie theater.
4. To make exercise part of almost every day-- strength training, walking, hitting balls at the driving range... whatever it takes.  Finishing 2011 with physical therapy kinda blew.
5. A spine.  I rarely speak up for myself, and when I do, I inevitably cave.  
6. A date, once a month, when I go out, looking lovely, wearing a pair of killer heels, and forget that I am the mother of a 5 year old.  Don't care if it is with my girlfriends, or a big group of people, or just me and a lucky guy.
7. To stop apologizing for who I am.  It is one thing to apologize for a specific action, something I said or did.  It is  a whole other thing to apologize for not being the way that someone else wants me to be, or for not thinking what someone else wants me to think.  I am valid, and so is my point of view.
8. To write five days a week.

     So, 2012.  How does that sound?  I hope I have given you a much better idea of my expectations than I did 2011.  I suspect 2011 might have actually been less of a disappointment if I had been as clear with him as I am being with you.  Let's work on it, shall we?

Hugs and kisses,

Zombie Grrrl  

Rejection is a four letter word

Well, I TOLD myself to be prepared.  Rejection is the way, the truth, and the light.  Just because I got a 66% acceptance rate on the query letter, that didn't mean I was home free, yet.

So, yeah, I am not home free.  Both literary agents didn't feel like my material was a good fit for them.  Keep in mind, they liked the sell I did on the project.  So, the concept appealed to them.  And that is good.  I am pleased that I wrote a good query letter.

But, after reading (or skimming) a plot synopsis and the actual manuscript, they both rejected it as "not quite right for us".  That could mean so many things, in my mind.  And of course, as an actor, I am BRILLIANT at finding all the potential meanings in any simple phrase...

Rejection:
"This isn't quite right for us."
Meanings:
1.  This is a great novel, and while I would totally buy it in the bookstore, unfortunately, this project isn't the kind of project my agency represents-- they are out there, however:  go get 'em!
2.  This is a great novel, and I might buy it in a bookstore, but I am not sure how in the world we would help you sell it.  Since we have to pay our employees, we are gonna pass.
3.  Your concept is good, the writing is good, but I don't really like your characters-- your heroine is kind of unpleasant.
4.  Your concept is good, but your material is too grim for women's literature, too girly for mainstream, and plus you use too many adverbs.
5.  Your concept is good, but your writing isn't there-- we only represent literary projects, and should this publish, it would be a paperback on a rack, next to lesbian nurse novels.
6.  Your concept is good, but your project still has a lot of work to go-- try using more chapters, for instance, and maybe explain your world better... like before the 4th chapter.
7.  Your concept is good, but your writing sucks.
8.  Your concept is good, but your writing really, really sucks.
9.  Your query letter piqued my interest, but wow, it really didn't describe your book very well.  Who wrote the query letter?
10.  Abandon hope, ye hopeless stay-at-home mother.  I am sending out the word right now on you...

Well, back to square one.  I tell you, sending the first query letter out was difficult.  Getting the first rejection on the query letter was no big deal, since I got two hits on it.  But the first rejection of your material... man, that stings.

Query Letter Out!

Well, it has been forever.  But I have been busy.  At the beginning of November, I sent out my finished (finished!) manuscript to five lovely friends, only one of whom has read any of it before.  They are busily reading, and I have already gotten some feedback!  Woohoo!

So, what the hell have I been doing in the meantime?  (Besides watching soaps, doing my nails, and eating bonbons when the nails are dry? Ha ha.)  I have been working on my query letter.  A query letter is a pitch to editors, agents, publishers, basically asking them to request my manuscript or a sample of it.  I am targeting literary agents right now.  I know from experience that trying to break into a closed world that I don't quite understand is difficult.  Hence, an agent.  I had a film agent, once upon a time, and she got me auditions I wouldn't have gotten otherwise.  Yes, assuming I get a literary agent, they will get 15% of whatever I earn, but it will be worth it.

Today, I sent out three query letters.  I have been working like a dog.... well, not like my dog, she just mostly lays around and sleeps.  But I have been working hard to perfect my query letter, even sending it to my writing coach several times for comments and suggestions.  It is my first impression, after all!  He gave me the seal of approval on Friday.  I am scared like you wouldn't believe, but the hardest one to send was the first one.  I am doing it via email (I LOVE when businesses are green!).  We will see what happens.  I fully expect some rejection, but I knew the first step would be the hardest.  I did pick three agencies who seem to represent similar types of works, I think.

I am crossing my fingers and toes and intestines.  (The latter is in knots!)