Stress

I am stressed.  I need to learn to let things go.  Seriously.  I am cranky, and unable to sleep, and don't enjoy my meals.  I enjoy my wine, but that could also be the company.  I am daydreaming constantly, and reading to escape.

Supposedly, writing a list of stress factors can help bring them to manageable proportions.  Here is my list of things that are stressing me out.  I hope that writing them down will set them loose into the internet, where they can spawn and create a worm that will infect the very lifeblood of Monsanto.

1. Sleep-- I am not sleeping well, and taking lots of pills to try to make sure I am sleeping.  I am not sure the pills are getting me good sleep, but they do make me sleep....if I've taken enough of them.
2. Medical-- I had an ER visit recently.  I had some chest pains-- probably not heart related.  I have a stress test soon, and my regular GP put me on anti-heartburn medication.  In addition, I need to get to the eye doctor (18 months since last visit).  The Husband probably needs some dental work done.  My son's belly is still distended, and it should have healed by now.  And we keep having minor medical expenses to the tune of $200-$500-- they add up.
3. Move-- I am moving in about 60 days.  Have not packed a single damn box.  Why?  Well, I didn't want to live with a bunch of boxes, thinking a normal looking household would be a better choice for living.  Yeah, it looks pretty, but it also stresses me out...all those empty boxes, just waiting to be filled.  "Fill me!"  On top of that, the house we are in is about to be on the market for rent... which means I have to have the house nice for that.
4. Money-- I have no right to be stressed about it, I guess.  There are people in this country who are un- and under-employed.  People are buried in underwater mortgages, credit card debt, student loans, and no savings.  We have no debt, are downsizing, and have a decent sum in savings.  But we used to have LOTS more in savings.  We have two cars which are 15 years old, and groceries are more expensive than ever.  A lot of my clothes are old (ie, don't fit, have little or big holes, etc) and then there is the medical stuff.  So, I am stressed about it.
5. IRS-- We just got a letter from the IRS, claiming that we owe like $8K in unpaid taxes and penalties.  We were sensible in 2010 and finally rolled all our various retirement accounts into a single account.  One of the rollovers was reported as taxable income to the IRS... so it looks like we got a huge sum of money.  And we didn't.  I understand it is all a matter of filling out the forms and such, but FUCK... You get a letter from the IRS demanding more than I have earned in any year since my son was born, and tell me that your heart isn't leaping out of your chest.
6. Book-- good god, I want to finish my book.  If I can edit 15 pages or so a week, I will finish by the time school ends.  But after that, I will get NO regular writing time until September.  Unless I can manage to begin writing at night again.  I just don't know how, especially with a move looming, and a summer camp planned in July.  I really want to finish-- I know it can be published, and will be good.  
7. Volunteer-- I am still active in the community, but it is hard work, and I am not enthusiastic about it right now.  I really should make this my last time... but then what am I doing for the community?  And what else do I have to show for myself in this time.  Everyone says motherhood is noble/ necessary/ etc.  But no one PAYS you for it, and potential employers look down their noses at it.  And I have to do something until the Boy is in school full time... unless my book sells.
8. App-- The phone app is fun to work on.  But it is work.  And it is unpaid work for now, and maybe forever, unless we can increase sales.  So, all that writing and entering is free.  And after the move, I will no longer be able to just walk two houses down to work with my partner.  I will have to drive across town.  
9. Work-- My theatre class is not stressing me exactly, but there is a lot of work to do that requires me to focus and be creative... and I can neither well until I can let stuff go. 
10. Politics-- The War on Women, the attack on the environment, the economy... I actually have to make myself STOP reading the news sometimes, or logging on to Faceborg.  I try to have a wide variety of friends- they range from libertarians to socialists, radical feminist lesbians to religious conservatives.  It used to be nice, because I would be exposed to a lot of different ideas and perspectives.  Food for thought, ya know?  Now... I just get scared.  The hate and anger and fear have reached terrifying levels.  Where are all the moderates?  Running scared, just like me.

So, there they are.  All my stress factors.  Not a terrible list, I guess.  I mean, I didn't actually HAVE  heart attack, did I?  I don't have to get a transvaginal probe, and the IRS issue will be resolved without having to write a check for $8K.

But I am still stressed.

2011: A Year in Review

..." I see this as a place to journal, a place to jump up and down, a place to vomit, a place to celebrate, a place to collaborate, and maybe, a place to make my decisions final."

Here I am, almost a year later.  The quote above is from my very first blog post.  I would say, based on that quote, that I was very successful...except that the blog was supposed to be about my three goals for 2011...

Plan for 2011

1. Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on.

2. Walk three times a week.

3. Schedule two recharge breaks a month.

Anyway.  Plan 1... I figured out a lot of things... Meaning, I quit a number of things.  Arts council...  gone!  Acting... retired, mostly.  Art model... not pursuing it.  Teaching... winding down.  Volunteer... still going, but will be finished in June.  Writing?

That is what I decided I AM going to do.  Write.  I love it, and I am good at it.  I spent the last of my mad money to attend a hardcore writing workshop (4 days, all day).  I wrote and submitted a play for a playwrighting competition.  I have worked hard for most of the year, and have revised "The General's Heir" into a much tighter and stronger novel.  I not only finished it (mostly), but have three new readers in the process now of giving me feedback.  There is small stuff to fix, but they are easy fixes.  Additionally, I wrote my query letter, and sent it out to six literary agents.  Two asked to see my work, and ultimately passed, two sent form rejections, one sent a personally worded rejection, and I am waiting to hear back from the sixth.  Finally, I have begun to work with David Hazard, an amazing writing coach, who believes I have talent, and is pushing me in directions I need to go.

Otherwise?  Still married and mothering.

Plan 2... well, I went back and forth on the walking.  I pushed myself to walk the dog far more frequently than I used to... but does that count as good walking?  On one hand, I think no.  But, on the other hand, I have been walking longer walks with her than we used to, and I read somewhere that even an extra five minutes a day adds up over the course of the year.  So, I am going to give that one a VERY qualified success.

Plan 3... Well.  Hmm.  Not so much.

Okay, so thank you, 2011.  Next time... my Plan for 2012.

Destruction and a Hard Cider

I sit here before the computer, on a rainy Tuesday evening. I have half a hard cider remaining, and I just read the fucking funniest blog in the world. Probably the most offensive too, to about 33.3% of Americans. Mostly the Morman and Muslim ones. Oh, and maybe the Southern Baptist ones. Oh, and maybe the Catholic ones. Okay, so maybe it would be offensive to more like 66.67% of Americans.

I am pretty darn close to being ready for my touring class, which begins on Monday. The Boy is sleeping sweetly in his bed (I know 'cuz I just checked), and the Dog is done with her Chicken Dog routine, since the thunder is passed. The Husband is probably sitting in front of his laptop in the Windy City, or maybe enjoying a rare evening actually watching TV on the television. (He can only watch DVDs on on the TV at home. We didn't ever get around to purchasing the whatever you have to have to get television for free now.)

My one-act plays are cast, and I have read several pages of our final issue of Newsweek. Not that it is especially newsy, now. I am considering a switch back to Time.

Again, the mellow woman speaketh. However, don't worry. Was I mellow before? Just ask the Dog Cabinet. I threw away about seventeen pounds of shit. I found an expired can of dog food, rock hard dog biscuits, several old sippy cup lids.... (Just the lids, mind you. Why?) I recycled even more. Why did I keep just one plate of a stupid set of paper plates? Why did I find three bags FULL of plastic knives? Does anyone use plastic knives? Really? Do they cut?

Calming down. More cider.

So, after I cleaned out that cabinet (WHY DO I FUCKING HAVE THREE DOG PRESCRIPTIONS THAT EXPIRED IN 2006???), I next tackled the Boy's closet. I don't know why the top of his dresser was completely covered in over a foot's worth of stacked and semi-folded clothes, but it was. I don't understand. When I fold the laundry, I put everything in the drawers. So what was this stuff? I found a pair of girl's pants, a hanger without the hanging bit, and two opened containers of baby wipes. And that was all before I tackled the mess on the floor. I found a red sweater with clowns on it... the Boy won't fit it for maybe another two years, and would probably slit his wrists before being seen in public wearing it. Clowns, I ask you... Anyway, I filled a ginormous bag with items that the Boy cannot wear anymore, and are now in the basement awaiting the looming yard sale (or moving truck to Salvation Army).

And for the coup de grace, while the Boy watched his evening videos, I tackled the master bathroom. I am not sure why I found four empty bottles in the shower, other than the maid sucks and needs to be fired.

[That is a running joke in the house. I tell the Husband that the kitchen looks like ass, and that our maid sucks, and he needs to fire her, the joke being that I am the maid. He just gives me one of his patented "That's my Gracie Lou" looks, and ignores me.]

It was kind of funny. I honestly had NO idea that the glass doors to the shower were NOT frosted glass. (giggle) And I had forgotten what how shiny the floor tiles look when not covered in a soft cushioned carpet of black dog hair.

So, yeah, I went a little nuts today. I know that many people consider cleaning to be a Useful Task and Necessary. I think of cleaning as destructive. Honestly. There is nothing better than throwing shit out. I LOVE aggressively scrubbing something. When the Husband's boss was acting like Stalin, I tackled the heavy saute pan with a scrubber, and imagined that the stained and scummy surface was her face. My pan is awful purty now.

So, I have a clean Dog Cabinet, a clean closet in the Boy's room, and a clean Master bathroom, and I am now out of cider...

Does emptying the bottle of cider count as a destructive or a constructive act?

uh... heh heh

Since no one reads this anyway, I guess I can feel free now to just go with the flow. I blame my lack of productivity on the Boy, the Dog, the Air Conditioning, and... and hurricanes.

The book is getting there. Really. School is out, the studio tour is done, and I finished my last mutherphucking board meeting last night. I do have a summer class to continue prepping for, and I am directing two shows for that one act festival. Oh, and the script I submitted is being produced. Creativity is flowing, along with the wine.

I entered an art show. I am supposed to make art out of some odds and ends from a hardware store. So far, I have constructed a female figure out of copper wire, and have built her a skirt out of window screen material. I have a metal corset top planned, and cool accessories out of nuts. But I am not having fun. Nope. Not even

a little. I always hated costume design, and sewing, and constructing stuff. And how I loathe having to be creative, and finding that I have the mental capacity for creativity.

This may be a wee bit of sarcasm, but I am not certain.

Let summer come. Nothing that a glass of sangria won't fix. And if not a glass, then a pitcher... You see, I am happy.

Shocking, I know. All I do is bitch and moan about not having time to write, or time to care for my Boy, or freedom from shitty meetings with people I loathe.

But... Plan 1. I did it. I have decided what I want to do. I have decided what I care about. And, I decided what I didn't want to do.

Now, I have moved on. I can have a glass of wine with my friends, or write, or flex my creative muscles in creating my incredibly bad art. Or, maybe, I can work on my art. Because I can now. I have the emotional energy for it. For the first time in quite a while, I might be able to practice my art, rather than just 'support' it.

Never fear. I am not descending into narcissism. I have decided that I do care about the studio tour, and will serve on that committee. And yeah, I will spending time with my friends and my family, but I will not be 'Networking' now. Rather, I will be 'Building Relationships'.

I have this sneaking feeling that some of my friends have enjoyed my company, and didn't care what I was doing on the arts council.

Here's to the more relaxed and happy me. Yeah, this was a rambling post that didn't really address a theme. Hence the dumb title.

Sangria, anyone?

Anger

The end of the school year approaches. The Boy will be home, and then I will be teaching over the summer. No more regular writing schedule.

I am terrified. I get seriously cranky when I have an appointment that interrupts my writing schedule. I don't like the routine breaking down. And the routine is going to be GONE for three months.

I want to write. I find myself secretly hoping my classes don't make, so I can just write while the Boy is off attending the summer camps I signed him up for. I entertained a thought recently about ditching the classes altogether. I am pleased as punch to be around my family, friends, hell, even walking the dog... but I would rather be writing.

And that is kinda why the blog has been neglected recently.

Sorry-- blogging cannot compete with the book. I am over halfway through my revisions. I feel the final draft coming closer. I don't know if I can get it done before the end of this month. Argh.

On the other hat

So, one of my many hats is theatre teacher. I am a certified teacher in secondary theatre and speech. I taught for 3 years at a high school in Texas, before leaving to go pursue my acting career (and fleeing my psychotic coworker in the theatre department). I did a national tour with a very respectable theatre company, and did television extra work, and got a start on my Actors Equity membership. Once I arrived here in Virginia, I substitute taught while applying for teaching jobs. I did an interview. Unfortunately, I laughed when they told me the theatre budget. I thought they were joking. They weren't.

Now, I teach theatre classes at an arts center, with the parks and recreation system. I built an amazing program starting in 2002, until the birth of the Boy. I took a few years off from teaching... and the program died. It kinda made me feel like a failure-- a program that cannot survive without its creator is a personality driven program, in my book. Oh well. I did go back, and have built it again. The scale is much smaller, and so are the number of hours I teach. Before the Boy, I would teach 8 courses over the three month session. Now, I teach one or two only.

Childcare is expensive.

Plus, I am doing lots of other things too, remember... like writing a book, acting part-time, art modeling, volunteering, and doing that whole wife/mother thing...

Anyway, I have a great summer planned. A high school melodrama class, and a touring class for elementary and middle school kids. I mention it now because I have to have all the promotional materials done long before summer... like this week. No problem? Yeah. I am good.

And I love to teach. I particularly love not teaching in the school system. I like that the kids who show up get so much more than playing theatre games and learning tongue twisters. We do the fun stuff, and then we do the real stuff-- rehearsing and performing a show. Some of my classes are more advanced than others. My touring class, if I may be permitted to brag, is fucking awesome. I rehearse the kids for 2 weeks, we perform a few times, and then hit the road. They learn load in, adapting to different spaces, load out, traveling. And they are pros by the end.

Yeah. I love this gig. I love teaching kids theatre. I have an awesome boss-- the BEST boss in the whole world. He supports me. I would not be able to be as successful as I am without him behind me. I am lucky. I am thankful. I better stop procrastinating and finish the stuff I owe him.

On the other hat (the writer one), today, I wrote down lots of notes about the scenes I have to write. I am excited to start tomorrow... and glad I took the time to write down my ideas for once. True, I remember many... but I know I have lost more than a few.

OH! And Plan 2 news! I have developed a routine! Twice a week, I am going with a girlfriend/neighbor to the rec center. The walking is going nicely, and my knee didn't stiffen up much tonight at all! Woohoo! On the downside, all this crappy 'wintery precipitation' the last few days has meant that I have not really been able to go out and walk the Dog. But, I am sticking to the Plan!

(And I really enjoyed the Plan 3 event on Sunday. Boy and Husband went to the Natural History Museum... and I stayed home and wrote!)