2011: A Year in Review

..." I see this as a place to journal, a place to jump up and down, a place to vomit, a place to celebrate, a place to collaborate, and maybe, a place to make my decisions final."

Here I am, almost a year later.  The quote above is from my very first blog post.  I would say, based on that quote, that I was very successful...except that the blog was supposed to be about my three goals for 2011...

Plan for 2011

1. Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on.

2. Walk three times a week.

3. Schedule two recharge breaks a month.

Anyway.  Plan 1... I figured out a lot of things... Meaning, I quit a number of things.  Arts council...  gone!  Acting... retired, mostly.  Art model... not pursuing it.  Teaching... winding down.  Volunteer... still going, but will be finished in June.  Writing?

That is what I decided I AM going to do.  Write.  I love it, and I am good at it.  I spent the last of my mad money to attend a hardcore writing workshop (4 days, all day).  I wrote and submitted a play for a playwrighting competition.  I have worked hard for most of the year, and have revised "The General's Heir" into a much tighter and stronger novel.  I not only finished it (mostly), but have three new readers in the process now of giving me feedback.  There is small stuff to fix, but they are easy fixes.  Additionally, I wrote my query letter, and sent it out to six literary agents.  Two asked to see my work, and ultimately passed, two sent form rejections, one sent a personally worded rejection, and I am waiting to hear back from the sixth.  Finally, I have begun to work with David Hazard, an amazing writing coach, who believes I have talent, and is pushing me in directions I need to go.

Otherwise?  Still married and mothering.

Plan 2... well, I went back and forth on the walking.  I pushed myself to walk the dog far more frequently than I used to... but does that count as good walking?  On one hand, I think no.  But, on the other hand, I have been walking longer walks with her than we used to, and I read somewhere that even an extra five minutes a day adds up over the course of the year.  So, I am going to give that one a VERY qualified success.

Plan 3... Well.  Hmm.  Not so much.

Okay, so thank you, 2011.  Next time... my Plan for 2012.

Irony

I vowed here to give up acting, right? I read it here. And here. I shared how suddenly I got some offers. Granted, they were for unpaid work. But, still, there they were. But that was gonna be it, right?

And then I checked my email that afternoon.... "Blah blah blah. Hey, will you be one of the actors in the new Christmas Follies?"

And then this week. "Hi, I own a murder mystery company,and would like to bring you on board, if you are interested."

So, here, I publicly declare: I no longer want a million dollars. Nope. I will give up my dream of a million dollars.

Oh, wait. That doesn't work. I have to reluctantly give up something that I care about, like acting, in hopes that the itch of something new, like writing, will be scratched. Remember what this blog is about, remember? "Not Doing It"

I really enjoy writing, and feel great satisfaction when I am writing. I feel this low grade urge ALL THE PHUCKING TIME to dive back into The General's Heir and finish that mutherphucker. I also have this new writing idea about zombies. I know, old hat now, but the itch doesn't care. This idea is simmering just like The General's Heir did. How I want to dig in...

And yet, acting calls, if you can call the clamoring a 'call'. More like a brick of noise to the side of the head. I won't do the follies, I think. One, I don't really want to, even if I love the producer. Two, really, if I am going to get pulled out of my writing from now on, it DAMN well better be for a paycheck. I am a mercenary, if nothing else. Or maybe a whore? Ha! I can see it now....

ME: Sorry, honey, no sex tonight-- I have to write.

HIM: Write? But I just put on the camo briefs you like!

ME: Think of this as my job. Just like the acting gigs.

HIM: Nope.

ME: What?

HIM: You are gonna have to spell it out for me. If I'm not getting any tonight, you have to explain.

ME: Okay, so, when I am sitting at the computer from 8-12 tonight, I am writing my book.

HIM: I thought you were finished with it!

ME: You are right. I am trying to finish the edits!

HIM: How is this like the acting gigs? I haven't seen you depositing any checks.

ME: Think about it like the rehearsals for the acting gigs. The paycheck just comes a little later.

HIM: I can buy that, I guess. But what is your time worth?

ME: Huh?

HIM: So, you have an acting gig. How much do you get paid?

ME: A hundred, I think, usually.

HIM: Huh. And how long are you gone when doing the acting gig?

ME: Oh, the usual? Two hours for the actual gig, but add another two for travel. So, four hours?

Him: So, you get twenty-five an hour for your time. Is that right?

ME: ...Well, I guess... when you put it like that...

HIM: And that doesn't include the rehearsal time, does it?

ME: ...Not as such...

HIM: 'Cause, hell, I have a twenty in my wallet, and we can be done in half an hour.

ME: ...Uh...

HIM: And, I will throw in a big O for you! You cannot get that kind of satisfaction from your paid gigs!

ME: ...But I am an Artist!

HIM: Artists gotta eat. Or, well, you know what I mean.

ME: But-

HIM: And you won't have to travel any farther than upstairs. And when we are done, you can go back downstairs and write!

ME: But I have to be in the right frame of mind, in the zone! I cannot just get on the computer and go through the motions, and fake it....

HIM: Uh-huh? What were you about to say?

ME: ...Um, get upstairs. And I will put on the sexy shoes.

(Apologies to the Hubby. He is incredibly supportive. Oh, and Happy Birthday to me. I am officially old now.)

Nut up or Shut up

I have been writing every day for the past week. Classes are over, I am free of the arts council stuff, and my two current directing projects are soooo much less consuming than my class projects. I think I can actually see me finishing the edits this week or next.

But, 'finishing' the book is just one more step. I have a shortlist of folks to read the book (I am aiming for mid-August, my friends), and then I'll get to do another round of edits, I suspect. I am hoping it is mostly small stuff-- clarification and continuity details, and grammar/spelling issues. I am HOPING that by the time the Boy begins school in September, I will be working on the soul-killing part-- the research on publishers and agents, the solicitations, and, of course, the rejections.

Frankly, I am looking forward to that part. Once the research is completed, and I start sending stuff out, I can jump back into working on Book 2, which now has a title!! I wrote my "Long Term Story Arc" (code for very loose outline) for the five novels. Book 2 will need a LOT of work now-- some things have changed in Book 1 since I split the two, so there are some slight alterations to characters, relationships, and also some BIG shifts for characters, plot, and relationships... It will be fun, I think.

But, now for the hard choice. A show that I have ALWAYS wanted to do is going up in October. I actually auditioned for a different company's production of this show about a year ago, but they couldn't get the men they needed (ha!). I was preparing to think about auditioning for this one, and then I stopped myself. If I do that show, it would seriously cut into my ability to work on my writing....

So, I am not doing it. And, I decided that I won't be acting until I at LEAST get Book 1 out the door. And that is that. One of the things from the March writing conference I attended in March, I keep on a sticky note on my computer monitor. I can see it right now. It says, "Make this a priority or don't."

I am not giving up acting. I love acting. My abilities as an actor are part of what make my characters the way they are. However, I began writing Book 1 on December 31, 2007. In the immortal words of Tallahassee (one of my favorite films Zombieland), I need to either "nut up, or shut up."

So, I am nutting up. No more acting, no more arts council, no additional volunteering opportunities, no more art projects....

Nut up or Shut up.

uh... heh heh

Since no one reads this anyway, I guess I can feel free now to just go with the flow. I blame my lack of productivity on the Boy, the Dog, the Air Conditioning, and... and hurricanes.

The book is getting there. Really. School is out, the studio tour is done, and I finished my last mutherphucking board meeting last night. I do have a summer class to continue prepping for, and I am directing two shows for that one act festival. Oh, and the script I submitted is being produced. Creativity is flowing, along with the wine.

I entered an art show. I am supposed to make art out of some odds and ends from a hardware store. So far, I have constructed a female figure out of copper wire, and have built her a skirt out of window screen material. I have a metal corset top planned, and cool accessories out of nuts. But I am not having fun. Nope. Not even

a little. I always hated costume design, and sewing, and constructing stuff. And how I loathe having to be creative, and finding that I have the mental capacity for creativity.

This may be a wee bit of sarcasm, but I am not certain.

Let summer come. Nothing that a glass of sangria won't fix. And if not a glass, then a pitcher... You see, I am happy.

Shocking, I know. All I do is bitch and moan about not having time to write, or time to care for my Boy, or freedom from shitty meetings with people I loathe.

But... Plan 1. I did it. I have decided what I want to do. I have decided what I care about. And, I decided what I didn't want to do.

Now, I have moved on. I can have a glass of wine with my friends, or write, or flex my creative muscles in creating my incredibly bad art. Or, maybe, I can work on my art. Because I can now. I have the emotional energy for it. For the first time in quite a while, I might be able to practice my art, rather than just 'support' it.

Never fear. I am not descending into narcissism. I have decided that I do care about the studio tour, and will serve on that committee. And yeah, I will spending time with my friends and my family, but I will not be 'Networking' now. Rather, I will be 'Building Relationships'.

I have this sneaking feeling that some of my friends have enjoyed my company, and didn't care what I was doing on the arts council.

Here's to the more relaxed and happy me. Yeah, this was a rambling post that didn't really address a theme. Hence the dumb title.

Sangria, anyone?

Progress

First thing, dear Readers. Many of you have complained about the comment verification thing. I will attempt to dislodge it. I did add an easy feature, kinda like 'liking' on Faceborg.

Well. I did it. I sent my resignation letter. Even that made me anxious. I cannot wait 'til June 13. I believe I made a good decision, but I cannot help but worry about it. What can I say? I am a worrier.

The title of this post is 'Progress'. I believe I am making progress toward Plan 1: "Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on."

-I have put my acting on hold for now. I can come back to it someday, but now is my time.

-I have set an end date for my arts volunteering. I may continue to serve, but not on the board.

And, on the positive side of my plan, I have settled into a nice writing place. I have been hard at work editing, simmering ideas, and strengthening my work. I have written a short play, a few short stories, and keep on working on the novel. Additionally, I have attended a writing workshop, and am part of a newly formed writing group. We just had our first meeting on Friday, and I got some good feedback.

I will admit, I am a little worried about this summer. The Boy is done with school at the end of May, and that means my 7.5 hours writing a week will be gone. I am scheduled to teach 5 weeks this summer, and during that time, I will make little or no progress on my novel. Before the end of June, I need to re-write a short play, and create a new melodrama... from scratch. Writing it will be... but not what I want to be doing. I am torn, frankly. I want to teach this summer-- it is my best earning period-- but I also kinda find myself hoping that maybe one class won't make.

Which brings me back to the last outside activity that steals my time and mental energies. Teaching. I love the teaching-- it keeps me in the theatre world, and challenges me. But, one of the pearls of wisdom I gathered from my writing workshop was this: Make writing a priority or don't.

Should I jettison EVERYTHING to give this my hardest effort? It would not be a bad thing to get this finally off my plate, and see if it is worth my time. Hell, if I could sell it in the next year, it would certainly come at a good time. My husband and I just agreed to rent our house for one more year, and that would get the Boy through his last year of preschool. If the book sold well enough, it could help us afford to buy what we are holding out for: a modest home on 10+ acres. (10, so the Husband can hunt, and I can garden.) It would be nice to be able to buy a new car (or two) since our cars are both approaching fifteen years...

I will have to think on it. In the meantime, I need to work on the 'move on' part of shedding the arts council. I woke up at 2AM this morning, and didn't go back to sleep until after 5AM.

Move on.

What I Am Not

Today was a hard day.

Now, it is Spring Break, and that means no break from the Boy. Not the end of the world, but I do value my 7.5 hours a week without him. Truth be told, I actually was looking forward to doing some fun stuff with him-- playgrounds, maybe a museum or two, the library, and playdates.

Today, the first day of Spring Break, I had to attend a meeting for the studio tour, and so he got to go, too. It was supposed to be done within an hour or so, and there is a great playground nearby. I packed a fun snack, and promised the Boy if he was good, we could go to the park after I was done.

And the meeting slayed me. Literally. Now, it was long and drawn out as usual (described as 'soul sucking' by one of my good friends), but, I realized that my association with the arts council is slowly but surely damaging my own reputation in the arts community.

I realized as I was finishing up that people with whom I have had very strong relationships--professionally and personally-- have been pulling back from me. And this wasn't just today. I had noticed the change, but I chalked it up to schedules, and life interfering. They were friendly enough today, but the tone of our conversation and their body language changed when council business came up.

When this occurred to me, I was floored. The arts council is actually hurting me... I already knew that I spend more time defending the board than promoting it. Every conversation I have about my work on that board, I feel like I do nothing but complain. The occasions that I actually enjoy my work for the council are quite rare now.

I am barely a professional artist in theatre. I am not a professional arts administrator. I have never held a job at a NPO. I have no educational credentials to claim for my work in the arts community. However, I know my worth to this community.

I work hard, and fulfill my obligations. I put time, effort, and money into everything with which I am associated. I speak eloquently about the role of the arts in our community, at many public and private events. I have written several grants which have earned quite a lot of funding, and I have administered the granting program for the arts council. I have helped shape policy, expand the role of the arts council, and forge many valuable relationships with business, art, and government contacts. Finally, I have served on the Executive Committee for the arts council for most of my time on the board.

And now, I find myself damaging some valuable friendships. I thought at first that perhaps I am no longer as useful to know as I once was. This isn't a bad thing, I guess. I am almost finished with my final term on the board. I am not part of the inner workings of the newly focused council, and am considered part of the old guard. But, I spent time thinking about it today. These people were friendly to me before I was Little Miss President. They liked me before I even joined the arts council. And they are still friendly to me now... until I bring up something council related.

I figured this all out, this sad little epiphany, and understandably felt rather upset. I persuaded the Boy that we should just go home, and play with his friends in the neighborhood. He liked that idea.

I didn't, because I realized that once again, the arts council had dragged me down, and interfered with my family life. My poor little boy had patiently sat through that long ass meeting, and I was too upset to take him to the freaking playground. I gave up over ten hours this weekend to work on promoting the arts council at a public event, dragging both the Boy and the Husband into it, and I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT ANYMORE!!!

So. Here I am. I wrote my resignation letter today. I will finish my remaining obligations, but as of June 13, I will be off the board. I have not emailed the letter yet. I want to let it sit a few days, and make sure I have said what I need to say. I am saddened to be leaving the arts council on this note-- this experience has been such a life changer for me. I have enjoyed so much of my service and gained so much valuable experience; and to be leaving as I am now--bitter, hurt, frustrated-- makes me wince a little.

So, back to my Plan 1? What am I NOT going to do? As of June 13, I am NOT going to be a board member on the arts council anymore.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Bad, Naughty February!

February wasn't a good month for my Plan, apparently.

I didn't walk regularly. Now, there were some weather issues, and health issues, but still. I took no recharge breaks either. And, I have gone no further in figuring out what I am NOT going to do than setting a date for either resigning from my board or going inactive (June!).

However, I am pleased to report that I did finally finish the body of the book, and even added a prologue/short story. I don't know if the short story will be able to stand alone, but I am pondering it. Is there editing to do? You bet. I am also having to figure out some formatting issues. I plan to read the whole thing aloud in my final edit, before I get copies to my peer reviewers. I think I have them all picked out.

Additionally, I have a trip planned to Texas for the middle of the month. I need to see my grandmother. It has been four years since I last saw her, and I haven't visited my folks in about as long... I will also be seeing some high school and college classmates during the trip, which will be cool. It will also be a bit weird, methinks.

Let's see, anything else to report. Oh, yes, the 10-minutes one act play festival. I was asked by my boss if I would submit a script for this festival, and of course I said yes. I found out yesterday that submitting a script would mean not acting in any of the plays; and that it all has to be 'family friendly'... whatever the hell that means.

Rant time! Yay!!! I am so FREAKING sick of 'family friendly' theatre in this county. WHY does everything have to be family geared? Are adults second class citizens? I like dark humor, and language, and 'adult situations'... but can I see that on a stage in this county? NOT BLOODY LIKELY.... And it is not just the theatres.... it is everywhere... I cannot TELL you how many times I have gone to my favorite bar, after nine PM, and found CHILDREN there with their parents!!!!

I have reviewed grants for arts funding for the last five years. There are a handful of theatre companies that apply for funding.... and in their FREAKING mission statements they state 'wholesome, family friendly entertainment.' Guess how many list 'morally suspect, adult themed entertainment'.... NONE.

Either I am so far out the norm that I am definitely going to hell, or there is an UNTAPPED market in this county. I hosted a play reading (Anti-Valentine's Day was the theme), and it was an afternoon of Christopher Durang one-acts. We all had fun.

Maybe I should just create my own theatre company, and put in the mission statement: To foster an irreverent, mildly salacious culture and entertain grownups.

Okay, rant mostly done. Now I need to look up a website for creating voodoo dolls before writing my 'family friendly' script.... with zombies....

January Report Card

What have I accomplished in the last month, looking at my 3 Plans...

Plan 1: Okay, I think I am making some progress.

Writing- I have gotten into a routine and am writing pretty regularly... accounting for the freaking snow days. I have signed up for a writing workshop (attending in March). I also met with a nice gentleman who is going to read the first 3 chapters and (hopefully) give me suggestions, and has given me some good ideas about where to go, and what to look at in my work.

Acting- nothing... but I wrote a blog entry about it, kinda spelling out what is going on in my head. I turned down the opportunity to act in a college reunion show, since I had scheduling conflicts and also since I live in freaking Virginia, now. I think, sad as it makes me, this may just have to go on the back burner, in favor of other projects and roles (ha ha) that are further along. Just for now.

Board/ Arts Volunteer- hmmm. I wrote a blog entry about this too. I think I will be taking a LOA until March (at least, once I finish the darn minutes and get them sent off). I think it would do me good. I do need to figure out why I feel compelled to finish out my term, if it makes me miserable. Am I finishing for a good reason, or just so I can tell myself I didn't quit? 'Cause, it kinda seems like to me, that no matter how I protest, I have mentally decided to quit. So, if I am NOT going to do it, then I need to make it happen, and move on...

Art Model- I have a 4 week gig starting tomorrow.... A Tuesday night gig in February.... (smacking head)

Theatre teacher/director- Okay, lots of planning was done this last month! I am excited. I have two classes to teach this spring, and two camps over the summer. Oh, and I have to write a brand new, LoCo based melodrama. The theme will be cows! I cannot wait to share the dialogue... once I write it.

Plan 2: Okay, this one is easy. I have been going to the gym and using the treadmill, twice a week... except last week, when we had the freaking ThunderSnow. However, I think that is okay, since I shoveled approximately seven thousand, four hundred and twenty two pounds of snow. In addition to the visits to the gym, I have been dragging the Boy and the Dog out for walks every day the weather has not been unreasonable. I feel good about counting this one as successful. I have some concerns about February... February being the traditional month for the weather to go to hell in hand basket. Snowpocalypse of 2010, anyone?

Plan 3: Well, I scheduled one recharge break in January. Considering that is up 100% over previous months... I am pleased. Additionally, I took advantage of opportunities to do play dates, freeing me of the Little Prince, so I had time to write. Not precisely what I had planned, but hell, I am reasonably pleased with my progress here.

So. Report Card grade for January 2011? I am gonna give myself a B. Maybe a B-. Excellent progress on Plan 2, good start on Plans 1 and 3, but lots of room to improve.

Yay, me.

Short Story and Targeted Peer Review

This will be a short post. I have company coming tonight, and if I am free early enough, I would like to do some actual writing, instead of writing about writing.

I had a great meeting last week with a guy who coaches writers, and edits, and teaches writing classes. I got many good ideas out of that meeting, but the one that has resulted in an epiphany for me is the idea of submitting a short story excerpt for publication. This would give me feedback on the world I have created (and my writing), which will help when I jump into the mess of trying to publish.

I have been thinking and thinking about some part of my book to try to pull out, and let stand on its own feet. I was even contemplating bugging the Rhino, my sounding board guy... and then I figured it out. The through-line for this story is the conflict between Elena and General Madera, which begins because of Paulson, and the Chihuahua rebellion. I know what happened, and I have revealed parts of it as particular characters learn more about it. THIS IS IT!!

So, after I finish the conclusion of this novel, I get to write a prologue, of sorts. The real story of the Chihuahuan rebellion, and what really happened between Elena and Paulson. This will work all on its own, it will sell the world I have created, and it will force me to tie up all that loose information that has been floating across TWO novels...

I am not even a little bit excited about this, yup, not at all.... (jumping up and down like a crazy woman)

For those of you who don't know what the hell I am talking about, well, let me know, and I will send you the whole damn work in a few weeks. Cuz, that is the next thing I was advised to do. Another round of peer reviews, but a targeted one. As in "Do the male characters seem realistic to you?" and several other questions. I have already done one round of peer reviews, but I need more... Volunteers?

I love writing right now. (big goofy sigh)

A blog? (the obligatory boring introduction)

Confession: I have no idea how to keep or maintain a blog. I follow a few blogs, mostly friends who are more interesting than Facebook would have you believe. I do not know how to design. Or what Html means. I am not certain at this point if I know how to post a link, or a picture. Do I think my blog looks pretty BORING right now? (yup.)

HOWEVER. I am going on a journey this year. I have three GOALS. I say goals, rather than New Year's Resolutions, because... well, I am not sure why, but GOAL seems more weighty.

(oh, crap, I just tried to cut and paste into this, and it scared me. I will just retype it...)

Plan for 2011

1. Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on.

2. Walk three times a week.

3. Schedule two recharge breaks a month.

(hey, I figured it out... sorta. I had to fiddle around with the document... yeah, I typed out my New Year's PLAN... because it is a PLAN and not GOALS apparently.)

The second is fairly standard, I am sure. Get in shape, blah blah blah. The third needs no explanation save that I have a 4 year old. An approximate translation could read: introduce the concept of Daddy/Boy dates on the weekends...

I am sure you noticed that the first one is stated negatively. There is a reason for that. I am an actor. I am a teacher. A writer, a director, art model, wife, board member, friend, daughter, arts volunteer, oh... and a stay-at-home mother. Whatever that means.

And I am 35. I am noticing the signs of aging. Worried? Not really. As a non-ingenue look in the field of acting, I welcome finally looking old enough to play the good roles that are now available... except I am not pursuing my acting. I am not really pursuing anything. I am 35, and I am trying to do so many things that I am doing none of them really well. Except motherhood. And that ain't gonna last.

(oh for the love of pete... I have this $@#&% margin floating around, and I cannot figure it out!!!)

Why add another project to the mess? I am figuring out what I am NOT gonna do, remember? I am on a journey in 2011 to figure out which of those roles I am going to jettison. (SPOILER ALERT: I will not be dropping off the Boy at the orphanage, or divorcing my husband.) I see this as a place to journal, a place to jump up and down, a place to vomit, a place to celebrate, a place to collaborate, and maybe, a place to make my decisions final.

So, why read this? The journey might be interesting. Oh, and I am kind of funny, and irreverent. Sometimes people don't get my sense of humor. I can post it, and laugh about it... to the sounds of chirping, and it won't freaking matter, since I have NO idea how to promote this, other than inviting friends to read, which I won't, since I hate promoting myself... which is also a reason I have a slow acting career. I think I mentioned that.

I may also be posting writing samples. I wrote a novel... well, actually, two. It will be a small series, eventually. If I can finish editing and begin attempts at publishing.

All done with my first blog post. If anyone can give me some *@&$# pointers on format, I will cheerfully accept them.