The Past Rears its Ugly Head and Ruins a Lovely Walk

It is a beautiful autumn day.  I finish my coffee, and tell the Boy that it is time to take the dog for a walk.  I pull on my sneakers, he slips on his "slip-ons" as he calls them.  I wind a scarf around my neck, and he wiggles into his hoodie.  Leash, dog, and off we go.

The Boy holds the leash today, and he is kicking leaves.  Today is Picture Day at school, and he tried to put on his suit this morning.  I convinced him that just the white shirt and vest will work if he adds pants without holes in the knee.  He's a handsome boy, and I suggest to him that zipping his hoodie will keep him warmer than clutching it shut.  We walk along.

He holds my hand, and never stops talking.  He points out spider webs, fallen nuts, and pretty clouds.  The dog follows as best she can, all the while sniffing and stopping to deposit her own calling card.  I admonish the Boy that watching her poop is kinda gross, and he turns aside.  He comments on the houses in the neighborhood, and asks me if I remember the huge slug we saw last week, and wonders if it might still be there.  I laugh, delighted, and suggest that, since several days have passed, rain has fallen, and birds would have noticed him by now, I bet the slug is long gone.

I am right, and we continue on.  He loves looking down into a ravine to which a homeowner has added a little landscaping bridge.  He calls my attention to flowers, and I think about what an interesting boy he is, and how much I enjoy his company now.  I really cannot believe he is already six.  And, as I often do, I think about what I remember at his age.

Disaster strikes.  At Christmas, when I was six, my mother sent my brother and I off for our visitation with my dad.  He dropped us off at school at the end of the break, and no one came to pick us up that evening.  My mother had run away.  January 4, 1982.  At my son's age, I only had three months more with my mother.

I look at my son, who is still holding my hand and attempting to get the dog to stop digging in a mulch pile, and I cannot imagine life without him.  And I wonder how she could have left me just when I was getting to be interesting.

Confession.  I hate babies.  They are boring.  They are annoying.  All they do is cry and eat and shit, sometimes all at once.  I loved my son when he was a baby, but in a grim way perhaps.  It was my duty, my responsibility, and I approached the task of motherhood vowing to do it well.  I didn't relax into being a mother for months, and it  was years before I felt confidence in that role.

Years have passed, and I have this fun little guy, who thinks zombies are hilarious, loves books and Legos, and correctly uses three syllable words.  He makes interesting leaps of logic in his reasoning, which while sometimes less-than-accurate, are entertaining.  He is sweet, loves holding my hand, and expects an intelligent answer when he asks about clouds or leaves or mechanical engineering.

I wrap my arm around him as we walk.  He is still trying to control the dog, who is hot on the trail of some remarkable scent.  I have a feeling that the next few months will be a countdown of sorts for me, that I will be cramming in all sorts of experiences into the Boy's life, as I continue to over-compensate for the mother who didn't want me.  I will fight off tears as I mourn what I didn't get to do with her, but will damn well make sure he gets to do with me.  And when that magic deadline passes, I will know that I can maybe let myself just love the Boy for being mine, and stop projecting on to him the little girl who waited and waited for her mother to show up and take her home.

The beginning of a beautiful relationship

     Let's talk, 2012.  See, I made an arrangement with 2011.  I told 2011 what I wanted, and I thought 2011 and I would have a nice time together.  I didn't realize that my expectations, while communicated clearly, were not clear expectations.  It was a "Hey, let's have a nice date" versus "Hey, I want a fancy dinner with good wine, and then a movie with Daniel Craig or Hugh Jackman."
      I realize that this is a failure on my part.  I didn't specify what it was that I actually wanted.  This should not be a surprise to me... what with the whole "Not Doing It" being the name of the blog.  2011 could not read my mind.  How could 2011 know what I wanted if I wasn't even able to communicate that to myself?  And yet... did I not mock 2011 on Facebook? I did, I am sorry to say.  No one deserves that, especially when it is my fault.
     So, 2012, I am going to try to communicate my clear expectations.  I want you to know what will make me happy.  Some of the items on my list may strike you as unrealistic, or silly, but if you know, at least you might have a better idea of the kind of thing that might make me happy.

What I Want Out Of 2012

1. A book deal.  It doesn't have to be Stephanie Meyers size... but I would love at least to be able to buy a new car, which leads me to...
2. A new car.  Both of the cars in my household are almost three times as old as my son.  And he's about to start kindergarten.
3. To see the new James Bond film in the movie theater.
4. To make exercise part of almost every day-- strength training, walking, hitting balls at the driving range... whatever it takes.  Finishing 2011 with physical therapy kinda blew.
5. A spine.  I rarely speak up for myself, and when I do, I inevitably cave.  
6. A date, once a month, when I go out, looking lovely, wearing a pair of killer heels, and forget that I am the mother of a 5 year old.  Don't care if it is with my girlfriends, or a big group of people, or just me and a lucky guy.
7. To stop apologizing for who I am.  It is one thing to apologize for a specific action, something I said or did.  It is  a whole other thing to apologize for not being the way that someone else wants me to be, or for not thinking what someone else wants me to think.  I am valid, and so is my point of view.
8. To write five days a week.

     So, 2012.  How does that sound?  I hope I have given you a much better idea of my expectations than I did 2011.  I suspect 2011 might have actually been less of a disappointment if I had been as clear with him as I am being with you.  Let's work on it, shall we?

Hugs and kisses,

Zombie Grrrl  

2011: A Year in Review

..." I see this as a place to journal, a place to jump up and down, a place to vomit, a place to celebrate, a place to collaborate, and maybe, a place to make my decisions final."

Here I am, almost a year later.  The quote above is from my very first blog post.  I would say, based on that quote, that I was very successful...except that the blog was supposed to be about my three goals for 2011...

Plan for 2011

1. Figure out what you are NOT going to do, make it happen, and move on.

2. Walk three times a week.

3. Schedule two recharge breaks a month.

Anyway.  Plan 1... I figured out a lot of things... Meaning, I quit a number of things.  Arts council...  gone!  Acting... retired, mostly.  Art model... not pursuing it.  Teaching... winding down.  Volunteer... still going, but will be finished in June.  Writing?

That is what I decided I AM going to do.  Write.  I love it, and I am good at it.  I spent the last of my mad money to attend a hardcore writing workshop (4 days, all day).  I wrote and submitted a play for a playwrighting competition.  I have worked hard for most of the year, and have revised "The General's Heir" into a much tighter and stronger novel.  I not only finished it (mostly), but have three new readers in the process now of giving me feedback.  There is small stuff to fix, but they are easy fixes.  Additionally, I wrote my query letter, and sent it out to six literary agents.  Two asked to see my work, and ultimately passed, two sent form rejections, one sent a personally worded rejection, and I am waiting to hear back from the sixth.  Finally, I have begun to work with David Hazard, an amazing writing coach, who believes I have talent, and is pushing me in directions I need to go.

Otherwise?  Still married and mothering.

Plan 2... well, I went back and forth on the walking.  I pushed myself to walk the dog far more frequently than I used to... but does that count as good walking?  On one hand, I think no.  But, on the other hand, I have been walking longer walks with her than we used to, and I read somewhere that even an extra five minutes a day adds up over the course of the year.  So, I am going to give that one a VERY qualified success.

Plan 3... Well.  Hmm.  Not so much.

Okay, so thank you, 2011.  Next time... my Plan for 2012.

Bad, Naughty February!

February wasn't a good month for my Plan, apparently.

I didn't walk regularly. Now, there were some weather issues, and health issues, but still. I took no recharge breaks either. And, I have gone no further in figuring out what I am NOT going to do than setting a date for either resigning from my board or going inactive (June!).

However, I am pleased to report that I did finally finish the body of the book, and even added a prologue/short story. I don't know if the short story will be able to stand alone, but I am pondering it. Is there editing to do? You bet. I am also having to figure out some formatting issues. I plan to read the whole thing aloud in my final edit, before I get copies to my peer reviewers. I think I have them all picked out.

Additionally, I have a trip planned to Texas for the middle of the month. I need to see my grandmother. It has been four years since I last saw her, and I haven't visited my folks in about as long... I will also be seeing some high school and college classmates during the trip, which will be cool. It will also be a bit weird, methinks.

Let's see, anything else to report. Oh, yes, the 10-minutes one act play festival. I was asked by my boss if I would submit a script for this festival, and of course I said yes. I found out yesterday that submitting a script would mean not acting in any of the plays; and that it all has to be 'family friendly'... whatever the hell that means.

Rant time! Yay!!! I am so FREAKING sick of 'family friendly' theatre in this county. WHY does everything have to be family geared? Are adults second class citizens? I like dark humor, and language, and 'adult situations'... but can I see that on a stage in this county? NOT BLOODY LIKELY.... And it is not just the theatres.... it is everywhere... I cannot TELL you how many times I have gone to my favorite bar, after nine PM, and found CHILDREN there with their parents!!!!

I have reviewed grants for arts funding for the last five years. There are a handful of theatre companies that apply for funding.... and in their FREAKING mission statements they state 'wholesome, family friendly entertainment.' Guess how many list 'morally suspect, adult themed entertainment'.... NONE.

Either I am so far out the norm that I am definitely going to hell, or there is an UNTAPPED market in this county. I hosted a play reading (Anti-Valentine's Day was the theme), and it was an afternoon of Christopher Durang one-acts. We all had fun.

Maybe I should just create my own theatre company, and put in the mission statement: To foster an irreverent, mildly salacious culture and entertain grownups.

Okay, rant mostly done. Now I need to look up a website for creating voodoo dolls before writing my 'family friendly' script.... with zombies....

January Report Card

What have I accomplished in the last month, looking at my 3 Plans...

Plan 1: Okay, I think I am making some progress.

Writing- I have gotten into a routine and am writing pretty regularly... accounting for the freaking snow days. I have signed up for a writing workshop (attending in March). I also met with a nice gentleman who is going to read the first 3 chapters and (hopefully) give me suggestions, and has given me some good ideas about where to go, and what to look at in my work.

Acting- nothing... but I wrote a blog entry about it, kinda spelling out what is going on in my head. I turned down the opportunity to act in a college reunion show, since I had scheduling conflicts and also since I live in freaking Virginia, now. I think, sad as it makes me, this may just have to go on the back burner, in favor of other projects and roles (ha ha) that are further along. Just for now.

Board/ Arts Volunteer- hmmm. I wrote a blog entry about this too. I think I will be taking a LOA until March (at least, once I finish the darn minutes and get them sent off). I think it would do me good. I do need to figure out why I feel compelled to finish out my term, if it makes me miserable. Am I finishing for a good reason, or just so I can tell myself I didn't quit? 'Cause, it kinda seems like to me, that no matter how I protest, I have mentally decided to quit. So, if I am NOT going to do it, then I need to make it happen, and move on...

Art Model- I have a 4 week gig starting tomorrow.... A Tuesday night gig in February.... (smacking head)

Theatre teacher/director- Okay, lots of planning was done this last month! I am excited. I have two classes to teach this spring, and two camps over the summer. Oh, and I have to write a brand new, LoCo based melodrama. The theme will be cows! I cannot wait to share the dialogue... once I write it.

Plan 2: Okay, this one is easy. I have been going to the gym and using the treadmill, twice a week... except last week, when we had the freaking ThunderSnow. However, I think that is okay, since I shoveled approximately seven thousand, four hundred and twenty two pounds of snow. In addition to the visits to the gym, I have been dragging the Boy and the Dog out for walks every day the weather has not been unreasonable. I feel good about counting this one as successful. I have some concerns about February... February being the traditional month for the weather to go to hell in hand basket. Snowpocalypse of 2010, anyone?

Plan 3: Well, I scheduled one recharge break in January. Considering that is up 100% over previous months... I am pleased. Additionally, I took advantage of opportunities to do play dates, freeing me of the Little Prince, so I had time to write. Not precisely what I had planned, but hell, I am reasonably pleased with my progress here.

So. Report Card grade for January 2011? I am gonna give myself a B. Maybe a B-. Excellent progress on Plan 2, good start on Plans 1 and 3, but lots of room to improve.

Yay, me.

Walking and Theatre

Well, today was the first day on the treadmill. As expected, my right knee stiffened up. But, I took it easy, and don't see that doing this is gonna be a problem. I have been really good the past week and a half about at least getting out with the Boy and the Dog, so I should be on track for good walking soon. I have missed walking. The weather has been a bitch in the last few months, but using the gym at the local rec center seems to be a good solution. When the weather warms, and the days are longer, I can get back into the neighborhood, and hit the trail again. Yippee. (Plan 2, going well!!)

Now, theatre. I have been fortunate for the last several years, to be part of a traveling murder mystery theatre company. There were 5 or 6 shows in repertory. A client would book the show, the producer, Laurie Dunlap would then book the necessary actors. We would show up 2 hours before the show, load in, do the show, load out, get a check, and drive home. This was the perfect gig for me- a stay at home mum who really didn't feel able to take off long periods of time for rehearsals, etc. Not lazy, just focused on the Boy.

Well, the perfect gig died. Rather, Laurie contracted a horrible blood cancer, and passed away in less than 6 months. There was confusion, I guess, about how to keep the company alive, and it is gone. I valued this gig-- it kept my skills up, it got me out of the house, I got paid, and I enjoyed almost all of the company members. And, most importantly, it allowed me to continue being a working actor.

Last gig was in August. I miss it. I have grieved. I am trying to figure out if I want to get back into it all-- headshots, auditions, driving forever... I love acting. I love auditioning. But it was so nice, so convenient, not having to do all the looking for a job.

A friend (who does audition, and drives forever, and gets paid) has been encouraging me to get out and just do it again. Get a new headshot done, update the resume, and at least do the local cattle call auditions. He actually has a gig in mind for me. (I wish HE was the casting director!!) If only I could just go audition for it.... But in this area, you cannot just go audition for a show. No, no, you have to be invited to audition... and in order to get that invite, you have to be seen...

It all makes me wonder... am I really wanting to be a working actor? I have lots of excuses and reasons why not. I am clearly not ready to just throw in the towel, and STOP acting. I need to either do the work: get a headshot done, update the resume, and get to the cattle call... or I just need to let it go for now.

Not deciding tonight. There are other factors to consider in the equation--an invitation to join a similar company that is forming; and a long-simmering idea of forming my own theatre company.

But enough for now. I am currently an out-of-work actor. It sucks. But at least I am walking again.